solitarystar89

看见朋友在照片里逐渐变胖，我不经感叹时间的残酷。

看见朋友们和伴侣一起快乐地发胖，我不经感叹单身的可贵

看见自己的腿渐渐变形，我不经感叹生命的无常 

我可以写文章，可以读书，可以搞艺术，但是我不能够承受生命。因为生命太真实了。

开始明白有一天我的真心是会用完的

with much regrets, got back onto facebook. Think the 2 month hiatus has taught me to hate that space. But well, it's just not possible to do things and stay away when everyone is there.....

I think I will give up trying to find something that is mine. A calling, a passion, a self. But this doesn't mean I give up on everything. 

Because I realize that I don't settle. I probably will never because I hate settling. I always feel like an outsider when I look at any form of settling. Is being reactive a problem? Is not settling a problem? It most probably is. But can I settle? I cannot. 

It is probably more useful to work within this un-settledness than to try and settle. But that means I settle on not settling. 

The true character (as well as judgment by others ) of a person lies less in his articulated/believed values or what he has done but in how he conducts himself from decision to decision. 

I must have gotten it from Dostoesvky. 

My happiness is synthetic, underground, simulated and come six months later, I might be wishing I never smoked this pot. But in the moment, the corners of my mouth can't stop turning upwards... 

Is love the only way out? Is the only way out of loneliness and the problem of, 'what is life about?' another person? Right now, I don't really like the idea of a family. This nuclear unit where your core energies and motivations are channelled. You stop asking yourself, why are you doing this because biology makes you feel like doing it as the love comes so naturally. The problems of other people become less important to you than this one kid's future. It becomes a very selfish, insular kind of love.

This talk about building something together. Building what together? Another kid - another you to continue this endless repetitive cycle of L.I.F.E. 

I suppose that would make anyone happy. For a good decade at least. But shouldn't we court something more dangerous? Instead of a love that is passed onto another person, a love that is even more selfish - self-love. To do things with yourself, about yourself, to yourself. To continually open oneself up to nature, one unknown after another, to take seriously one curiosity after another. I think a normal family would be so much more easier, but I really don't want to lose myself - however painful it is to be alone, to know that I can only be alone, and to choose to be alone. 

Wait. Actually I don't know. The above is kind of reductive. There are artists/activists/inventors who have kids too...i just can't seem to place myself on the shelf of stability and not fidget too much to fall off. I don't like this idea of a closed group, with a normal house, normal pets, normal hobbies, normal weekends....blah blah blah.  

DON'T WANT TO WRITE ESSAY
DON'T WANT TO WRITE ESSAY
DON'T WANT TO WRITE ESSAY
DONT' WANT TO WRITE ESSAY
DONT' WANT OT WRITE ESSAY
DONT' WANT OT WRITE ESSAY
DON'T WANT OT WRITE ESSAY
DONT' WAN TOT WRITE ESSAY
DONT' WANT OT WRITE ESSAY
DONT 'W ANT OT EO WRUJEITE
DON'E WNA TOT YO EW
DON'T WANT TO WARI TE ESSAY
DON'T WAN TOT WRUIT EISY
DEON' TWAN TOT EO REIW TIE YSI
DONT' WNA TOT WRITE ESSAY
DONT' WAN TOT EWOI RIET
DONE' WNA TOI WJRO
DONW' TWNA TO WIR
DON'WD ANT IOD WRTIE IJIDUIS

spent saturday till now trying to write one freaking essay...and I'm going nowhere.....

could have spent the time on:
making some photographs
read on other artists
thinking about my work
visit shows around london
hooking with some people

or none of the above.

Just got notified by the bank that I have to pay for banking services incurred because I did 2 overdrafts. (If that service is not available for my account, why didn't they just reject that overdraft?). So I have to pay 50 pounds. 

Just when I'm trying to save money

I could have just bought some new clothes. 

Why do this to me? 

Why? 

Stop procrastinating. Go do work, siew ching. 

I am suddenly seized with a sense of dread to return to singapore and to work. I think I have changed significantly over the last few years and although I am quite happy about most of the changes, I just don't want to change again. In my head, the people I am going to encounter in singapore are going to be narrow, judgmental, materialistic, envious (we are always envious of others, why can't we just do our own thing?), unimaginative, safe, pretending to be hippy or nostalgic - when they are just consuming an on older dream, and image of other cultures and times. And I am probably going to be asked again and again, what does does your art mean? It means go away and don't pretend to understand when you don't even get that it doesn't have to mean anything. It means having to PR and make philistines feels that art spoke to them, that they can be cultured. 

I'm not saying that a lot of people here really like art. I think a lot of people just want to booze and club at art events. But at least they don't pretend to understand, or expect you to make something they can understand. 

These consumers, consume, consume, consume. Consume art objects, consume a hippy lifestyle, consume images...the only real enemy of art is capitalism because it turns all the unutterable and ineffable pursuits into products through reifying some kind of identity onto them. Product because that is how capital works - it has to produce, we have to produce. Don't you see? All these products, chasing after these products, and producing them ourselves are only part of this capitalist system. And when we fill our lives with chasing and making these products because we only see these products, we are only looking through the lens of capitalism. This lens makes anything that is not perceived as a product impossible to exist in our eyes. 

 Identity politics isn't real. Human perception is. Capitalism isn't real. Human perception is.

Education is worthy work. But to borrow the words of the Chile uprising leader, Camila Vallejo, "Why do we need education? To make profits. To make a business? Or to develop the country and have social integration and development?" It is not enough to have education. What kind of people are we moulding - more people to produce iphones? 

Of course, these are my general perceptions of the world and they only affect me as long as the fleeting media headlines on one disaster after another. But I think they will be manifested on many of my future peers. I hope I am wrong. 

I think my new housemates are both really interesting. 

One's like a housewife - I seriously have no idea where she finds the time to go grocery shopping once every two days, laundry every four days, and shower twice a day. And she doesn't really do work during weekends...

Another is simply enigmatic in the sense that I can't seem to figure out how he thinks. And I think he has internalized all that continental philosophy such that it influences the way he thinks about everything else. I think what we learn go some way to influence our thoughts, but for him, they seem fundamental to the way he thinks. But it gets really tedious having a conversation with him because I have to be really specific.  

I was trying to tell him about arriving at a feeling of necessity which could constitute the impetus for one's art-making, to which he said that is very sad because then I'm making it as I have no choice. And then I asked so can you choose when to start and stop making? He said no. Finally, he told me that it's not very healthy to spend so much time thinking about what art is, and instead spend the time making instead. And he said, why do you think I chose to do art? I'm going to be poor... And I didn't understand that statement immediately. But now, I think the question isn't meant to be answered, neither does it have any answer which can be constituted once and for all by words. He chose, and I chose and we all have reasons we think we know and we don't know about.